waiter: yes? man: are the pipes here iron or lead? waiter: iron, sir. man: okay, i'd like to order two iron pipes with extra oil, and a sprocket. waiter: excellent choice. and you madam? woman: i think i'll just get the bolts and bulbs combo. waiter: alright, and would you like anything to drink? man: i'll have a glass of solder. woman: me too.
niles: i'm part of a gymnastics police force. denguin: so you enforce laws at gymnasiums? niles: no, i'm part of a team that enforces laws on the streets, acrobatically. we're called the acrocops. last week, terry stopped two robberies with a backspring. denguin: how did he stop a robbery with a backspring? niles: no, two robberies. i know. it's amazing, isn't it? denguin: no, i mean how is that even possible? niles: i know, right? well, you should have seen officer tandem. he saved the whole kindergarten class from a school fire by doing a series of front flips. isn't that something? denguin: it's something i don't understand, niles. i mean, how could doing gymnastics have anything to do with stopping crime? niles: well, if you'll just hold this rubber duck...
skitch: hey, harold, there's one. harold: where? skitch: look. right there,... past those trees. see it? harold: where?... oh, yeah. i see it. i see it. skitch: range it for me. harold: 120... 125 meters. skitch: okay, i'm taking the shot.
denguin: how is holding this rubber duck gonna explain anything about how doing front flips can save a kindergarten class from a...
harold: fire!
denguin: aughhh!!!!! i'm hit. niles: oh, yeah. look at that. denguin: help me, i'm bleeding!
skitch: shit, i missed. fucking wind. harold: no man, i saw you. you weren't steady enough. every time you miss, you always blame it on the wind... or the gun... or me, or something.
denguin: i'm bleeding! do you see this?! niles: yeah, ouch. denguin: i'm dying! i'm dying! why'd you give me that fucking duck?! niles: you're not gonna die. calm down. stop yelling. how do you expect to summon the doctorshop quartet if you keep up this spewing of atonal rubbish? denguin: what?! niles: here, sing this little tune, like this: unicorn on the cob. i'll do the harmony. niles and denguin: unicorn on the cob. niles: no, no, it's a flat 5th on the "sob". denguin: i don't care! just get the doctors here right now! niles: okay, calm down. and a one, and a two, and a... niles and denguin: unicorn on the cob. niles: it could use a little work, but... see? hear that?
the doctorshop quartet: when a fellow's song is great. denguin: i got shot! i'm bleeding! do something!
the doctorshop quartet: we bring good news, denguin: the good news. the doctorshop quartet: we have pulled the bullet out. denguin: splendid. what's the bad news? the doctorshop quartet: it saddens us, denguin: a what? niles, what are they talking about? niles: apparently that rifle round was made from condensed cat food. now, only cats eat cat food, and seeing how it ended up inside you, the diagnosis is that you're a cat. denguin: but, look at me. do i look like a cat to you? niles: looks aren't everything. would you believe me if i told you i'm really a bear? denguin: no, i wouldn't. niles: well, good. at least you've still got common sense. you're lucky you turned into a cat, rather than some animal who didn't have common sense... like a kangaroo. denguin: but, i'm not a cat! niles: now now, don't be so upset. worse things could have happened. denguin: i guess i'm still alive. niles: that's the spirit! besides, cats are decent animals. what do you say? shall we get out of this hospital? denguin: why, yes. let's leave. niles: how about a drink? i know a great place.
niles: i'll have a beer. my friend would like some milk. 2% okay? denguin: mew.
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