ENLIGHTENMENT NEWSLETTER

By Edrid

When you think a thought, have a feeling, form an opinion, and so forth, it occurs in a private space. This private space is your own subjective realm. We conscious beings have a private realm in which all sorts of inner events occur that are not directly observable by others. In that way, we are like separate, independent islands.

By directing your attention inward, you can directly perceive these internal states. Each of us has our own unique point of view.

For example, at this moment, as you are reading this, you have some inner experience of this content, and it may bring up an opinion or idea about it in your mind. This inner activity that you have is unknown to me and to others right now, just as the thoughts and feelings that everyone else has all day long are generally unknown to us all. I can speculate about what you are thinking or feeling, but I don't know it in the same way you know it, which is by directly perceiving your own internal states.

Two individuals can get really close, to the degree that each would feel they are experiencing the same thing at the same moment. But even if they were experiencing exactly duplicate experiences, each would be having his own unique experience.

Most of the time, we do not know what is going on in another's private world. Nevertheless, my not knowing what goes on inside you does not make it not exist. If it exists for you, it exists, even if I am oblivious to it. Even if every conscious being in the whole universe was unconscious of your thought, it would still exist if it exists for you.

There is the potential for me to know what you think or feel in your private subjective realm (and vice versa), but until that occurs, our private realms remain private.

If we feel isolated or alone, it is because there is very little flow of this internal information between us, and, therefore, not much experience of the contact between us. We conscious beings persist, even if we are not being thought about or contacted by others. If you consider here to be Life (the whole universe and everything), everyone is here all the time. Even if you feel alone, that is never actually true since everyone is always here. You can be alone in a crowded room. When you think you are alone, it is a judgment about the flow of communication between you and others.

You do not feel alone once there is a flow established with at least one other, or once you realize you are always connected with everyone.

Imagine for a moment a whole bunch of conscious beings, sort of in neutral, idling. You are all just there, together. A thought arises in your private realm. At that moment, the relationship between you and all others changes. How it was before is not exactly how it is now. You now have a thought and every other is not aware of that thought.

Even if you do not consciously intend for any others to know the thought, you are now alone in the sense that your state, and the state of your relationship with all others has changed but no one is consciously "with you" on that. The potential for the others to know that thought has come into being. The more you want them to know it, the more charge it has, and as long as you persist in having that thought, a state of non-understanding exists between you and the other.

Communication is getting a thought across to another. Thought should be taken here in the broadest sense: any idea, feeling, perception, opinion, view, and so on. Understanding is the state of having successfully communicated. A state of understanding exists between two individuals when real communication has occurred. This neutralizes the difference in your states, eliminating the aloneness.

Communication requires the self/other dichotomy. There must be at least two individuals for communication to take place. In that respect, communication is not an ability a single individual has. This is because it requires two individuals. Even if you are the best communicator in the world, you cannot communicate unless there is a receiver who is open to and capable of receiving your message. You can improve your skill at communicating, but this is no guarantee that you can communicate with another when you want to. Others always have the choice of whether to receive or not. It works the other way too. If you don't listen, they can't get their messages across to you.

When you have something to communicate and you can't get it across (for whatever reason), it can occupy your mind and emotions. Sometimes these emotions will build up and you will feel desperate and try almost anything to get a message across to another. There is mental or emotional charge on the message. Charge is one's aloneness with a message.

When you have a thought, it arises in consciousness, private to you. This is an experience of your existing as a separate individual, the normal state we find ourselves in day-to-day. We can have deep experiences of contact in which our separation dissolves and there is no self/other dichotomy. The boundary between self and other disappears. That is the ultimate function of communication. It dissolves the apparent separation between us.

By Bhagawan/Raphael Mendel

I want to share a realization I had which came very soon before an enlightenment I had on "Who Am I" on the Annual Intensive in October, 1997. I had let go of most of desire and was feeling a lot of compassion for others, including myself; acceptance, peace and wisdom were abiding.

It was then clear that the whole mind comes out of the thought of good and bad. The mind is born as that. I saw what Adam and Eve, partaking from the tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil meant. This was the beginning of the mind. The beginning of separation, of making distinctions. And God judged them and punished Adam and Eve. The punishment was actually judgment itself, which follows automatically from Knowledge of Good and Bad. When we think something is good or bad, there is a judgment involved. It is intrinsic to the existence of the primary opposites.

In my contemplation following this realization, I kept seeing that all thoughts coming up were based on judgment of being good or bad. I had goals, things I wanted to achieve. These were the good, and I wanted to avoid the bad. I desired the beautiful, the moral, the clear, the happy, the comfortable, the intelligent, the delicious, and yes, even the Enlightenment. I desired not to have the opposites of these. Of course, all of this was based on my judgment, my labeling, of what was good and what was bad, even Enlightenment being good. As I contemplated, I saw how thoughts would come as chains of judgments. I would have a thought about myself and I judged it to be good or bad (usually bad). Then I judged myself for having the judgmental bad thought about the bad thought. I found this went on often in long continuous chains, and I realized this happened in my ordinary life too, except there, denial often came in, resulting in unconsciousness of the thoughts for an apparent period of time. When the Enlightenment occurred, there was (and is) no judgment, no good and bad experiences, actions, thoughts, or things. They are just what they are in all their beauty and love, being just that. By the way, a thought is Another also.

For me, this is an important realization. Now it is absolutely clear that I, the Self, Truth, God, is not good or bad and any thought of that is superfluous and can be ignored. The thought of good or bad is like a wave, a condition, of the water, on the surface of the Ocean of Truth. It is not intrinsic to what actually is, the water of the ocean. It is illusionary, the mind itself.

This is very real to me. Since the Intensive, if I catch myself thinking in terms of something being good or bad, I remember this Truth, that there is no judgment in "I", and immediately the judgment is dropped. I then find an easy, free, happy flow takes over. The burden of being good and the guilt of being bad drops off my shoulders. There is release. I am free.

By Osha Reader

By Pitaka

The "Edge" Intensive came into being as a result of noticing that people were having major direct experiences and then feeling they had been lost either immediately or gradually after the Intensive. Also, some people who come to my Intensives are very committed to liberation in this lifetime. I wanted to explore how to serve people dedicated enough to go for liberation. Another important reason for offering the Edge is my experimentation and discovery of surrender while taking Intensives, and contact with Gangaji and the teachings of Ramana Maharshi. They are part of the lineage of Advaita Vedanta and use only one question, Who am I, which includes both who and what with the emphasis on the "I."

Later it became obvious that in order to have my Intensives work for beginners and others who are trying to understand what contemplation is or to become more consistent with it, I would have to separate the two groups. So, now I give a regular Intensive for everyone and "The Edge" for people who are ready for it. I find that the edge group is supported to explore the extreme possibilities of inquiry, while the regular group is not feeling pressured, comparing themselves, being confused by some things I say in talks, or feeling that they just cannot get it and should quit. I like to spend time with people who are learning the contemplation, helping them in any way I can.

The first Intensive Edge Exploration was in the summer of '97. The participants were a mix of "old timers" and people I had interviewed in advance. We did the usual schedule with some flexibility for more silent sitting on an individual basis, using the two self questions. Sometimes the questions fell away, pairs of people would sit in silent dyads or a question would be worded more precisely. Most direct experience was prolonged or quickly recurring.

The emphasis on surrender to truth and awake recognition of truth while in an ordinary state is also an important aspect of The Edge Intensive. When we leave the depth of the contemplative state to resume ordinary activity, most often people feel that what has been revealed in contemplation was "an experience." When framed as such, it is "a memory." So, what happened to the Truth?

I find on inquiry that the mind when dominant, tells the senses (body) there is no greater, higher, deeper reality or authority than itself. To me it's simply mind dominance = no access to Truth. Then the nervous system (brain) is at the mercy of thought and vice versa. So the mind must relax, become still, before Truth is again revealed, or at the very least, an insight that is usually not accessible by the logical mind.

So Who or What experiences? We must find out through authentic inquiry if there is any I. What is the "I?" What reveals itself to me in this inquiry is that Truth is constant and everything else is "an experience." What's more, regardless of what I experience, the truth beneath is what I "come from" in every moment. We ask the question, "is the direct experience of what I am really an experience or is it WHAT I AM?" Here the split between experiences of different realities may collapse. (If it does, please call me.)

If not, the remedy is again found in inquiry. We can only satisfy our doubts authentically. Hearsay from anyone, even great and respected teachers will not work. We must commit to going after Truth only, and settle for nothing else - whether it is blissful or horrible. This is when a terror of annihilation often occurs. Survival instincts arise to protest an impending "death." Alarms can go off. Here is another test of truth. The mind makes it seem so real, that we really will die if we keep on.

This is the stage of surrender of anything and everything to Truth. At this point anything that is less than unchanging, absolute Reality must be shed like an old skin. We can apply our passion, the same passion we bring to other strong desires. This commitment causes grace to move on our behalf. Time is not a factor.

This is true surrender. Surrender is both releasing our grip on whatever supports our views, what we like, love, dislike, want, etc., and finally giving our will to Truth. We let go of everything as it arises, big or small. I noticed that big dramatic things were sometimes easier to release than the nudge of a trivial thought.

Whatever may happen to our sense of ourselves, our security, or our survival, we are ready for anything. We say in our hearts to Truth, "take everything," just give yourself! The fire starts here.

By Pitaka

As in a young girl's cherished dreams
of Love, joy. . . anticipation, longing
No feet on the ground,
impatient, uncalculating, reckless!

Now on awakening,
knowing another as THIS, the same
permeated, unlike a mirror.
Still the urgency persists...
potent, even more driven
Fearless of on-rushing fire....
Flesh, nerve, heart, mind, surrender

  to THE BELOVED
out in the wild
where nothing happens
no one hears or sees

  Taken, Ravished, Breathless
SURRENDER alone remains
AS THE FIRE!

By Edrid

There is consciousness. A human being experiences consciousness in an individualized way. You, at this moment, can experience or be aware of this individualized consciousness by just noticing that you are conscious at this moment. That you are conscious does not need to be proven. It is a self-evident fact, utterly convincing as soon as you notice it.

Consciousness itself is so basic that it mostly goes unnoticed. That is, consciousness is usually not noticed as a thing in itself. Most of the time, individualized consciousness goes about its business, living life. We notice things, but we rarely notice the noticing.

When we perceive the world around us through our senses, the subjective sense of being a sentient being disappears. Instead, awareness is absorbed in the sensory panorama and becomes entangled in the drama. Things seem real, life seems real, and all the complexities of our relationship to the world manifest to us as our real, ongoing experience. When in this state, there is no experience of our own awareness as an object of introspection.

Thoughts and emotions can sometimes be experienced as "things" in much the same way one experiences objects. An emotion can be identified as this or that emotion, a concept as this or that concept, an opinion as this or that opinion, and so forth. For example, when you can say "I'm feeling anger," you are not just angry, you are observing the anger as an object.

Usually, though, we just think without noticing that we are thinking and feel without noticing that we are feeling. The fact of being conscious, then, is usually not noticed and not really understood. This is the unexamined life.

If you reflect on consciousness itself, you become more and more aware of your own awareness. In a sense, you detach awareness from what it is aware of and awareness becomes its own object of observation.

Personally, I have had an appetite for awareness of awareness for most of my life. There have been a lot of things that have gotten old for me and I dropped them, but I keep coming back for more of this form of introspection. It has never been difficult for me. I'm just attracted to it - deeply curious.

I don't go around aware of my awareness all the time, but I reflect on it every day, sometimes every few minutes. It's like this: Suppose you are doing a breathing exercise - just watching your breathing. Then you go off on some reverie, a thought-dream that takes you far from your breath. Suddenly you remember that you were doing breathing and you pull your attention back to it. Now, what made you remember to get back to your breathing? Something arises and punches through your reverie and you wake up and get back to what you were doing. Well, that is what it is like for me. I am constantly being absorbed into life and then I pop out of it, remembering to be aware of my awareness. This happens many times throughout the day.

Sometimes people describe the experience of awareness of awareness (let's call it AoA for short) as you becoming pure awareness or that you are awareness, and experiencing awareness of awareness is experiencing oneself. This language doesn't really match my experience, but you can make up your own mind about that.

In any case, the practice of becoming aware of awareness changes the awareness of awareness experience. Perhaps you could say it becomes a stronger experience. However you describe it, if you spend time being aware of your own awareness, it increases. It becomes clearer, brighter, deeper, more obvious, more apparent, and so forth. It can also become very familiar. If you frequently practice an AoA meditation, for example, it becomes easier to "get" and doesn't slip away so easily.

After a while, you become very familiar with AoA and when you sit down to meditate, AoA is quite natural and easy. You can sit for long periods of time being aware of awareness with no effort. And you can carry this state back into your day-to-day activities.

From within a stabilized AoA state, one can see things more clearly. Against the pure background of pure awareness itself, you can see states and perceptions as they form and take shape in the mind. You can see and feel how you slip into a dream when you go to sleep. You can see how you get "sucked in" to some conflict or weird view during a conversation with another. Your experiences become illuminated against a background of pure consciousness.

From the AoA state, the mind seems like an inner space filled with objects. Feelings seem like things that arise and subside in the body/mind, as reactions to external and internal events. All perceptions are viewed as arising within the field of awareness, and this field of awareness seems somehow to lie beyond or behind these experiences. It is not actually affected by them.

Awareness of awareness is not actually different from awareness. There are really no "levels" as far as I can see. Awareness of awareness is something like awareness directly experiencing the field of relationship as it is before it is modified by objects, thoughts, emotions, or other perturbations. It is like an underlying pure field. The Tibetan Buddhists talk about this. They call pure awareness the "ground luminosity" which I think is a beautifully accurate expression that really gets the idea across. The field of awareness is pure and inherently luminous.

To develop a strong experience of AoA is utterly simple. Just keep noticing your awareness. Notice the awareness and not the objects of awareness. Just keep noticing awareness itself and it develops into a full-blown experience. It ripens and deepens. Once you've got it going, it begins to show you things. If you get caught up in the things it shows you, however, you should realize that you have stopped being aware of awareness itself. As soon as you are finished with the thing that came up, you can go back to pure awareness aware only of itself.

Pure awareness is by nature unperturbed. It is a blank slate, a clear sheet of paper, an emptiness, a void, silent, vast (of no size, actually) and without the tick of a clock. It is still, it is nothing, It has no substance, no qualities. If it has a quality that you can discern, then as you continue to be aware of awareness, that quality is eventually shed, for it is not pure awareness. If it has a shape, one becomes aware of awareness being aware of a shape. Then the shape is left behind. So, too, are colors, forms of any kind, thoughts, views, and determinations, and, surprisingly, the sense of self. The sense of self literally dissolves away, leaving nothing behind. The tendency to stick a self back in the field of consciousness is strong, however, and it generally is the first thing to sneak back in.

Every conscious experience is seen as arising against the ground luminosity. As it arises, it is seen as it is. The ground luminosity seems to impart a wisdom perspective to all experience. When there is an upheaval of emotion, for example, the arising emotion is seen as something emerging from the background field. You have the option of ignoring it or going with it. It is just the dance of life. To the degree you have contemplated experiences against the ground luminosity, more and more of your experiences are taken this way. The Tibetan Buddhists say that the experiences are "self-liberating."

This gives you great stability and personal power in times of misfortune, upset, and crisis. Those without any practice in AoA are often swept away and suffer needlessly. After cultivating AoA, problems experienced against the backdrop of the ground luminosity are the same as anything else. They flow through, leaving no residue. Life just is.

e.e. cummings [Sent in by Edda Browne]

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in

my heart)i am never without it(anywhere

i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done

by only me is your doing,my darling)

i fear

no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want

no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)

and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant

and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows

(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud

and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows

higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)

and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

By Richard Hudson

Over the years have been to a number of Intensives ... This is a first ... Always in the past just ease of being ... a smooth transition of the daily life into "Truth". This time the Intensive didn't end. The very last dyad ... such opening ... immediate and simultaneous marriage of two into the "Truth" ... one awareness ... one life.

The closing ... warning about blowing out the loved ones when returning to the non-Intensive world out there ... other formalities and good byes ... Problem, not at all ready to stop the Intensive format ... right in the thick of it ... opening ... opening ... yet must drive to Clear Lake.

What a trip ... having a hard time navigating the seemingly endless twists and turns ... It's odd, but the practical and the integrated don't seem to be mixing ... tempted to pull over and go into uninterrupted and deep inquiry ... but then friend will be worried. What is this friend? Not separate from this I-.Awareness ... yet as form ... unique ... beautifully so. No contradiction or paradox here ... the mind will never understand ... must come into this truth directly ... this state of compassionate detachment.

The body sluggishly wakes the first morning after the Intensive and a voice says, "This is the fifth day of the Intensive" ... the mind is madly, tearing along like a locomotive going down a steep grade completely out of control and the body feels like hell ... all this in immense peace and stillness. At the same time, incredible receptivity to this inner voice ... this inner teacher that used to be viewed as a mere metaphor ... No way! ... Got it ... this teacher most definitely is. Among this plethora of storm driven mind clouds comes the judgment, "How can you be feeling this way after the first day of the Intensive. You went nowhere." Yep ... Yep ... that's exactly the point ... yet there is some I here which feels shy and very vulnerable while at the same time being non- separate from this vastness of clarity and absolute fearlessness. How can these seemingly contradictory states exist in the same awareness ... simultaneously to be and not to be?

Feel confused and yet am totally clear ... What's going on here?

Driving to San Jose, things seem normal (well sort of) with the exception that I arrive without a sense of having traveled there ... What a strange drive ... unbelievable forces and streams of resistance in the body which make the ectodermic layer of skin feel like it is going to explode while the mind is doing its normal trip except in an incredible, rapid motion ... all this arising in this absolute awareness which is the quality of unbelievable stillness ... simply am all of this ... How can this be? Like, Alum Rock Avenue appears ... heading to get an amp that has been repaired ... pick up a bean burrito and attempt to contemplate the many others in this fast food place ... but feel uncharacteristically shy and really uncomfortably introspective, confused and yet so open to the. teacher ... the "One"... Have never been so much faith and love in this journey of liberation.

Strange stuff ... No! ... real good stuff ... coming down Alum Rock towards 101 ... hit the first stop light and the heart is exploding into ... into ... in an instant the mind comes to an abrupt standstill and all those devilish energies completely ... disappear ... just infinite peace and such yearning ... Softly, the inner teacher seductively beckons ... Can't resist ... Go ahead my "Beloved" ... take this one. No question about it ... open up to the body without being on the take.

Merge on 101 heading towards Big Sur ... crying like a lost child who has been separated from its parents for an eternity, but has finally made it back to its roots ... Traveling towards the residence ... most definitely not going home ... This ... Here ... Now ... This 101 shooting through infinite stillness is home ... always This ... the "One" ... and the body is this gorgeous dance of soft, playful energies which are totally integrated with everything in this "now-nowhere-home" ... How to say this, ... there is so much love ... but this love is not separate from the body energy, ... no hands ... no eyes ... no ears ... no head ... no separation .. just the awesome, still beauty of the "One" ... What ... What ... Who is driving? ... No navigator here ... just the journey.

The residence arrives in absolute awareness ... the heart ... mammoth .. .huge beyond comprehension ... bursting ... exploding into ... into ... the "One" ... O ... O ... the redwood forest pulsates with infinite and intricately-connected form ... The beloved ... eternally shifting faces but one breath ... one heart beat ... The wife at work and the son over at a friends ... Humbly bow to this grace wind ... the body bursting with energy ... puts on the jogging shoes ... going to run the ridge fire road which overlooks the entire Big Sur coast ... this wild filly ready to break loose in this cosmic awareness ... The "Beloved" whispers ... the body ... the body ... go deeper ... deeper.

In some far recess somewhere ... don't want to go into the body ... but merge in ecstasy into the ... unnamable ... the unspeakable.. the "Beloved" ... Life ...

Night time descending ... in "MY" body ... physical body with its crazy wild man energies ... walk back in ... "MY body" ... truck, auburn autumn leaves and swaying redwood forest appear and vanish ... in "MY Body" ... At the residence ... Coppellia's delightful ballet dances it's merry play ... in "MY Body" ... the mind's thoughts replay themselves again and again with the chant ... "Gate ... Gate ... Parasumgate ... Bodhi Svaha ..." transcending ... transcending ... Hail to "Transcendence" ... in "MY body" ... and the bedroom lights are turned off as the physical body which is pulsating with such love drifts into sleep ... In "My body", that infinitely peaceful and utterly still place where the Lights are always on and there is absolutely no need of switches and no one to say good night because there is nobody and no one sleeping ... Absolute Wakefulness ... yes ... yes ... yes ... the "Beloved"

By Danielle Light

The second morning of my first Intensive I related to my partner my love for God. Tears flowed down my face as I communicated the depth of this love. After this dyad, I stood by the window and gazed out at the play of greenery and light. This moment suddenly struck me with an energy so intense I felt as though I was going to pass out. I experienced a shift into another "place", a place where the air was soft and full and every sight had great dimension and character. A place where love isn't a feeling - it is reality.

After the course, being in "The God Zone" while fully functioning in the world was very healing. As a landlord my greatest fears are getting sued and going through a court eviction. The day after the retreat ended a tenant called to say he had hired a lawyer to sue me and he was refusing to move out. There it was, my career terror presenting itself in full force and I felt no fear.

The following days impressed me as being completely stress free. Each day brought another "To Do's list," but instead of making things happen, the "do's list" seemed to do itself. The days just flowed without effort. Coincidences were not an extraordinary occurrence, rather an expected way of life. In this "other place," free of fear and stress, I was really happy. Not a conditional happy, just the happiness of being where I belonged. Life was very full, that old sense of emptiness was completely gone. In this 'place' I remembered my childhood which I thought had been stolen long ago by a dysfunctional family. In reality the joyful memories never left, only I did. My innate happiness was just waiting to be reclaimed on "the other side." In this I place, no one was more special or important than anyone else. Everyone and everything - the beloved. Time was not measured on a clock, rather by internal messages that sounded off when I needed to attend to something. God was clearly in all forms, simply loving through serving as a table, a book, a bowl, a dog, or another person. Making direct and grateful contact with any other form was how love was exchanged. It was as if God split up into infinite forms so that IT could love ITself in infinite ways. A lot of my personality seemed like a distant, almost forgotten thing which was humorous to be reminded of. The personality that remained seemed kindred to the light, as if the best of 'me' remained while the rest dropped away. Interesting that no one knew what was going on with me, a dramatic illustration that we see what we've established in our minds. It made me wonder just how many 'enlightened' ones there are among us that I've never noticed.

My six days on 'the other side' and the expanded three months that followed reminded me of my undying love and desire for God. Since I had been "lost in the material world" the Intensive was a great reminder how accessible and available "The God Zone" is. All I need is the desire and intention with a keen awareness and love for what is right now. And Wa La, here I am back in reality - "The God Zone."

By Galina Brouwer

Edrid,

Sorry to be so long responding to this. I've been in a very bizarre state since getting back to ice city alone after spending time in a warm place with all the beloveds. I've been doing some deep work, though, trying to integrate the experience at the Vipassana retreat that produced that poem.

The experience was of no boundaries between me and anything. I entered a state of surrender so deep that I couldn't tell the difference between my foot and the floor, sounds and who was hearing. It was beyond any place I had been before. It was like I disappeared and became everything. The sense of a separate self disappeared.

I noticed after the Intensive that it was hard to drive and to try to exert my will. I couldn't do numbers. I stopped sleeping. I felt after the Vipassana retreat that things were different, but didn't get how different until the responsibility of the Intensive was off me and I got home to some quiet.

Now I'm in a childlike state. It feels like someone has unplugged the left side of my brain. The old part that was used to being able to make things happen wants to take control again and be happy in the old way, and it isn't working. I'm feeling very open and very emotional. Can't quite surrender the control part but can't go back to the way I was. Since getting home I have no appetite and have lost 6 pounds.

I want refuge...want to be held and protected and to not be responsible for anything. I found out Guffa needs me in Iceland. I agreed to go so I will, but it's put me into a kind of responsibility crisis. I just want to surrender to whatever this change is, don't want to be in charge or have to manage anything. That thing about "making" the dyad weekend happen was just my ego trying to prove it can still do stuff. Anyhow, I'm glad it's happening. I need it.

Part of me is fighting. I think it's the part that's lived alone so long in a remote place, that's afraid of not being in control or not being able to take care of myself or something....I'm feeling fragile, emotional, vulnerable, not at all like my usual self. Have been meditating a lot.

March 19, 98

Osha,

My story is a little like yours.

When I got home, I had a day to myself, Monday. The family went off to their respective duties and activities. I had no work to do, so I could just be.

I felt very good. Happy. But when I went to do anything, I would spin off into a kind of out of control state. Emotions would rise up with a vengeance at the slightest difficulty. I found, on a trip to the store in downtown Palo Alto, that I was caught in a whirlwind of emotion and confusion. I really freaked out. It was a great ordeal just to buy some shampoo at the drug store.

I stayed quiet at home and tried not to have to do anything. I knew it was the after effect of the Intensive.

Even though my family was loving and friendly, it seemed all strange and like a drug trip. Everything was amplified.

Then I went to work the next day. Same thing. I wasn't grounded at all. All the little disciplines that I cultivate to make my life smooth were broken and lost. I reacted emotionally to everything, though I did have the presence of mind to keep out of peoples way and isolate myself enough to stay stable. I'd "have to get back to work" to avoid breaking down in tears about how much I loved them.

This condition is gradually wearing off, I guess, though I actually like being this crazy. I have resumed my morning meditations (I could not meditate at all for a week.) and they are better than ever. I'm very excited about them. The Garab Dorje material has me very inspired and excited. Flash! Flash! My emotions are evidentially still very loosened up. I've got the "bursties" about lots of things. My optimism is soaring to the heights. In a way, I don't know myself. I'm new and need to learn what I'm now like. That big blow-out I had at the end of the Intensive changed some things in me. I know I will be different, and I want to see what I'll be like. I don't want to always be the same. I really look forward to being strange to myself. I actually want to slog through new territory in myself. I don't really care if I'm freaked out. I want liberation and creativity. I know that to go to the next level or place, I must do new things quite unlike the old me, and I don't really care if the change is messy or neat.

So I think what happened is that we are both just opened wide from the focus and silence of the Intensive. We both did a lot of meditation. Six days, 16 hours a day of meditation will certainly do something, I would guess. So OK! Let's be bonkers for a while and see what God has in store for us.

Edrid

March 19,1998

Osha,

There is in my experience no separation between us; any of us, anything.

This was my realization (DE) at the Intensive at Origin last summer, and my continuing state. It's the strongest, most lasting, most balanced (intellectual/emotional/physical /spiritual) experience I have ever had.

And it's one of the hardest to communicate to others fully.

The vulnerability is so complete -- this is not some nice sharing, this is NO SEPARATION -- that it's not even vulnerability. It's beyond that, it's something else entirely. Like a... I don't know what. So I can imagine your fear to present something so... total...

And I also know you can.

You know all the reasons why it's important to present your experience, so I won't remind you. I will say this: I want more people in my life, in my world, in this universe, to understand what I mean when I say "no separation." (Edrid does this thing where he brings it up in conversation with me, as if he can't remember what my experience was; I realized he was gently creating opportunities for me to present to him.)

If you ever want to get across to me what occurred for you, let me know.

No separation,

Thom

March 19

Dear Thom,

Thank you for your message and your words of encouragement. Every day, a new layer unfolds. I swing from ecstasy to terror and all the states in between. When I started reaching out for help, I realized that others have been going through similar things.

I wrote this while still in the aftermath of the experience. Thanks for asking.

Love to you,

Osha

2/11/98